I actually had 85% of a post written on a completely different topic. But after watching last night's Cubs' game, I am unhappy. Very, very uphappy. As unhappy as a smurf when he finds out that Gargamel has stolen Smurfette's flowers. Nah, more like as unhappy as Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the ball out when he is about to kick it. Nah, more like as unhappy as Cartman when Kyle did not buy him a red Megaman for his birthday. Ants in the Pants? Ants in the Pants!!! Yes, that angry. Party off. (Kids or no kids... there is no way I am taking that out of there!).
You see, for those of you too saddened by the breakup of Joe Jonas and Taylor Swift to pay attention to anything other than whether he is now more likely to date Hannah Montana or Sharpay from High School Musical, the Cubs played one of the most frustrating and maddening games I have seen in a long time last night.
And so I am going to write this post and simply let it go. There will be no edits. There will be no carefully chosen words. There will probably be no clever references to Punky Brewster or Shaq-Fu: Da Return. What there will be is unhappiness, but absolutely no language that would make Eddie Murphy blush. That's the Delirious-Raw Eddie Murphy and not the "Look At Me, I'm a Cute, Funny Donkey" Eddie Murphy.
(And, I do not want to hear about how it is only a game or about how I am going to have a heart attack because I get too stressed and take it too seriously. Please keep it to yourself).
Here is the bottom line... if I am Lou or Jim Hendry or Yosh Kowano or pretty much anyone associated with Cubs' management, I am walking into the clubhouse after last night's game and asking Derrek Lee and Ted Lilly to please step into the training room to enjoy a nice, cold glass of lemonade. And then, once Derrek and Ted are out of ear shot, I am turning to the rest of the team and asking, "What in the m'kay is wrong with you people? No really, what in the heck is a matter with you m'kaying guys?"
I'm turning to Geovany Soto and saying, "Oh nice home run Geo. Goody for you. Perhaps one of these days your batting average will catch up to your weight. And maybe, just maybe, you can actually...oh, I don't know... how about make contact with the bases loaded and nobody out? But at least you are playing good defense. I'm sure it was your poopy mitt's fault when you dropped that ball, right Brant Brown? Did you ever see the movie 'The Lion King?' I like that movie."
And then I am turning to Harden... "What the hell are you snickering at jackbuns? How about trying to throw the darn ball over the plate and having it not travel 550 feet? Crud, you have given up so many home runs this year, I am starting to think that Gopherball Glendon Rusch is back on the payroll. How is it that you have not injured your neck watching opposing batters run around the bases? What's that? I am hurting your feelings? Sorry. I'll try and do better next time."
Maybe you can borrow Heilman's handbag for the special daisy pickin' festival. Yeah, Aaron, it's your turn. Heck, the only guy in this room that walks more batters than Harden is you and maybe Marmol. Did you ever see that scene in 'Bull Durham' when Crash Davis tells Nuke LaLoosh that he couldn't hit water if he fell out of a m'kaying boat? Well, guess what Aaron. You are Nuke LaLoosh, only you do not have a million dollar arm and I doubt that Annie Savoy would be your friend. Maybe you make friends with the sweet girl that hangs around and always begs the batboy for his autograph thinking he is on the team to read you some poetry. We gave up Ronny Cedeno to get you? Poo, he's hitting like .120 and yet, I am regretting the move."
"I'm sick and tired of hearing about how the World Baseball Classic set you back Marmol. It is time to start pitching the way you are capable of our you can catch the first raft back to the Dominican Republic. In fact, walk in one more run and I'm shipping your buns back to Santo Domingo. I hear Sammy Sosa needs someone to stick vitamin needles in his buns."
"Yeah Big Z... you have pitched well since smashing the poo out of the Gatorade Machine. Try not walking the leadoff hitter in a one-run game. There is a reason you are not considered on the same level as Tim Lincecum and Chris Carpenter. They are dependable. You are not"
"Yeah, I get it Jake. You are poor at defense. Well, you know where they do not care if you play defense? In the Elgin Kool-Aid Softball League. Good luck there. Perhaps you and Soriano can play on the same team. At least that way when you trip on what should be a routine grounder, you can blame it on a discarded juice box. Soriano can blame his pathetic defense on being more poofaced than Fred Flintstone after a Royal Order of the Water Buffalo meeting. How about you streaking by getting some m'kaying hits?"
"Hi Milton. How are you? Spending your $30 million on nice things? Did you get one of those nifty new video game systems? Good. Hey, you know thewife and I were wondering how much one can sell his baseball ability for on Ebay these days? We figure that with 16 lousy RBIs in 54 games, you have got to know.
Oh, nice play by the way on Magglio's line drive in the 7th inning. You know, you are supposed to try and catch the ball in your glove, you piece of poo. Holy poo, you are poor. I mean, how much more failure are we supposed to take? You couldn't even successfully break you bat over your knee after striking out with two on in the ninth. Next time please catch a cold so Cubs fans do not have to put up with your poo anymore."
"And the rest of you... one hit in 15 at-bats with runners in scoring position? Each and everyone one of you is poor. Period."
Here is the bottom line...I have been saying since mid April that this is going to be one of the most frustrating seasons in Cubs' history. After all, even when they win, they usually do so many unfortunate things that is is obvious in my mind that this is simply not a team that is capable of ending the 1o1-year drought. It does not matter if Aramis comes back. It does not matter if they are able to make a trade at the deadline. It does not even matter if Brian Boitano, er...Mark DeRosa returns to the North Side.
Look, I desperately hope I am wrong. I hope this team catches fire, goes on to win the NL Central, and makes me look like a fool. I hope Hasbro Suckstein drives in seventy runs in the next seventy games. I hope Marmol turns back into the Marmol of 2008 and dominates. I hope Geo gets to watch 'The Lion King,' Fox and Soriano stay out of the Kool-Aid league and, compared to Big Z, Tim Lincecum looks like Jaime Navarro. I want to be wrong more than
anybody.Glad to get that off my chest. I feel better.
Wussy Random Thoughts Cutie #1 Miranda Cosgrove: Okay, now I am sure you really feel better!
